Tuesday, February 28, 2006

The Princess and the Frog and the Stepmother and Kevin Bacon...and?

The Princess and the Frog and the Stepmother and Kevin Bacon...and?
by AMS, LL, Master Fob, Th., Edgy, & B., so far...

I was a child back in the day when wishing wells were dug at every corner, and one could drop a penny or two in them on their way to their daily chores and still believe that the magic would be worked through by the end of the day. I was the youngest of seven beautiful daughters of a King. I was not considered as beautiful as the rest because I read too much, and asked too many questions. I was even getting crows feet at the tender age of 15 because of my late night power reading. My mother worried about this and one morning took away all my books. She sent me out to the wishing well, underneath a lemon tree, in the royal gardens, with a golden ball to keep me amused.

While sitting in the shade of the tree in the royal garden, our princess was contemplating the concept of gravity when something hit the top of her head. She looked up in an attempt to discover what had happened. Sadly, however, long years of copious reading had made our heroine near-sighted and she could not spy anything but a blur of green above her head. When she looked down, however, she found that next to the golden orb in her lap had appeared a second of the same color. Delighted, she ran to her mother believing she would be equally excited to hear that under her care, the golden orb had magically become two.
The queen, it turned out, was not pleased. In fact, she had a rather sour expression on her face when her daughter showed her what she had obtained with the golden orb. The queen sent the princess back out the doors of the palace, telling her to try harder.

Sitting the next to the well, the princess saw... something. Actually, being near-sighted and all, she wouldn't have noticed there was anyone there had she not heard a voice say, "Hey, babe, you come here often?"

"No," she said. "My wicked stepmother [this is where we learn the queen is not her birth mother] sent me out here because she's jealous of my intelligence. I caught her once looking into the mirror, saying, 'Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the smartest chick of all?'"

"Whoa," the blur croaked. "Dude. That's heavy."

"Yeah, and one time I met this prince at a ball and we had a great discussion about Pearcean semiotics. He said my first of thirdness complemented his secondness. He was tired of all the ditzes who couldn't carry a decent conversation. Anyway, I left him one of my glass slippers so he could find me later. You know, sort of a riddle he'd have to figure out. I knew he'd dig it. But when Stepwench found out, she locked me in the basement and sawed off her daughters' toes just so they'd fit the slipper. As if he wouldn't notice."

"Ribbit," the blur said. "Did he ever find you?"

"Yeah, but after a while I realized he wasn't right for me. He could talk linguistics, but what I really wanted was a man who loved literature. And besides, he wasn't that great a kisser and he was kind of nerdy looking."

"Really?" said the blur as he hopped closer. "Do you think I'm nerdy looking?"

"To be honest, I can't say. My vision's horrible and the stepmom says we can't afford to go to an optometrist. Why don't you come closer so I can see you?"

The blur hopped closer.

"My," the princess said, "what a big... green... mouth you have."

"All the better, my dear, to kiss you."

What the princess did not realize is that frog's tongues are useful for many more things than just catching flies (though it never looses that minty muscine flava). In fact, many frogs are employed by the devil to snatch souls from anyone princessy enough to openmouth an amphibian.

Of course, our heroine had read all about this and if she had realized her new suitor was a frog, she never would have made such a grevious error.

But alas.

Now, the princess was without a suitor and without a soul (frogs having learned that a princesses soul is worth more on the black market than her dowry anyway) and with only one possible avenue of recourse available before her:

Her devil-affiliated stepmother.

Surely her stepmother had the connections to get her soul back.

The princess approached her stepmother with a newfound boldness. (Apparently one of the results of having no soul is a sudden burst of brazenness.)

"Stepmother, you're looking ever so beautiful today. Your skin radiates with warmth and goodness." (I guess you also discover that it's easier to lie. And besides, the Stepmother isn't so much evil as misunderstood.)

"What do you want?" her stepmother asked, wary of her sudden change in deportment.

"I'd like to invite you out to Ye Olde Coffee Shoppe for a grande chai vanilla latte. We have important business matters to discuss."

Intrigued by her offer, Stepmother consented.

Once they had settled down with their drinks and apple fritters, the princess put forth her proposition. "Stepmother, dear, I seem to have lost my soul to a frog, and I desire to have it back. Now, I know you know people who know people who know people who know people--that is, after all, why you're my stepmother. Could you perchance arrange to have it returned to me?"

The stepmother demurely dabbed the crumbs at the corners of her mouth. She smiled. "I can't help you if I don't know which frog has taken your soul." Thinking she had successfully managed to still her stepdaughter's soul, the stepmother began to get up from her chair.

"Well," began the princess. "He had a big green mouth. His skin was the color of a ripening cucumber with speckles of harvested olives." (Apparently, when losing her soul, the princess regained her vision, which I believe serves to say that those who seldom read are soulless freaks of whom we should all be weary.) "He had a tattoo of a wolf on his left forearm and the name 'Aurora' tattooed across his right bicep."

Shocked, but pleasantly surprised, the stepmother sat back down.

"What an observant child!" exclaimed the misunderstood step-mother. "I told you reading was no good. Now after one morning of senseless thought, you can see clearly at last. Now leave the matter to me, dear, and I shall find out this rogueish frog and make him return what is yours."

The misunderstood yet miserly step-mother than made a quick exit, without chipping in halvsies. As our heroine paid the bill, she reflected on her late comanion's turn of demeanour at the mention of the frog's tattoos.

Would it suprise you, gentle reader, to now discover that the soul-snatching frog was in the employ of non other than Kevin Bacon? After all, when the misunderstood step-mother thought that she must know someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew someone who knew the person who had the soul in question, it of necessity had to be Kevin Bacon.

In summary, Kevin Bacon is the devil


Master Fob said...

I Kevined your mom's bacon last night.

LL said...

Interesting turn of phrase, master fob. Especially considering Mr. Kevin Bacon's name seems to come up in conversations concerning sexual awakenings. In my hearing at least...
Who was that? Probably a friend of a friend or something. In any case, AMS, I think it should show in the epilogue.

b said...

ll: if my mention of K. Bacon is going to cause you to relate "awakening" experiences, I'm truly sorry I ever brought it up. And for the record, I have never had, nor plan to have, a crush on K. Bacon. Nor Clay Aiken. I find y-chromosomes a real turn-off.

Absent-minded Secretary said...

MF: It's after 12pm and I didn't come up with any "your mom" jokes, except maybe, "I burned your mom's eggs today." But that's not very funny. I have failed.

LL: Are you sure that was me? I am pretty sure it was Christian Slater in Pump Up the Volume, unless you are making reference to a different friend. I suppose you have more than one. ;)

b.: Sorry if the Christian Slater talk makes you sorry that you brought up Kevin Bacon. I thought the addition to Kevin Bacon to the story was quite funny, and so did Edgy. And I cannot agree with you about one thing, I personally, really like people of the y-chromosome persuasion.

Th. said...


I too laughed.

LL said...

Oh Crap. And here I was so overjoyed about the synchronicity of it all.
That Christian Slater! When did I ever give him this power to ruin my life?
AMS, I promise to listen more closely next time sensitive girly things come up.
And I promise not to mention those things on your blog.
And sorry, b, I know you're "proud to be the home of a Y chromosome."

Absent-minded Secretary said...

LL: Don't let Christian Slater ruin your life! It was a silly girly moment! No worries!